NewsThump

Oops! Stonehenge only 34 years old | NewsThump

Piddington residents delighted to leave UK, less delighted by new border controls at end of village | NewsThump

“Coverage of domestic violence yet another establishment smear against Reform!” insists Dan Thomas | NewsThump

Warhammer 40k player hasn’t noticed fuel price increase because he’s used to paying £100 for a tank | NewsThump

Completely naked Trump bans CNN from White House for reporting that he has no clothes on | NewsThump

‘Patriots’ who insisted ‘All Lives Matter’ celebrate closure of RNLI station dedicated to saving all lives | NewsThump

CNN reporters smuggled into White House inside a catering truck | NewsThump

Andy Burnham to present Donald Trump with tickets to see Oasis at the Etihad | NewsThump

President Trump becomes mime due to lack of microphones | NewsThump

Donald Trump Jr’s wedding bankrolled by Hans Gruber, wife confirms | NewsThump

Frodo and Sam stranded on Mount Doom following air traffic control glitch grounding all eagles | NewsThump

Lip readers confirm audio-free Trump was confessing to several sex crimes | NewsThump

White House reveals first presenter for new state-run news media channel | NewsThump

Government urges Britons to stockpile emergency supplies after gesturing vaguely at *everything* | NewsThump

Strictly Come Dancing forced to activate Britain’s emergency C-list reserves | NewsThump

Reform UK claims victory after ‘mass exodus of undocumented immigrants’ as migratory birds depart for the autumn | NewsThump

‘Patriots’ outraged as man arrested ‘just for waving the Union Jack’ outside the bank he just robbed | NewsThump

Reform insists France migrant deal is perfectly clear as long as French people don’t read the English version | NewsThump

Reform Party corruption entirely the fault of establishment rules prohibiting corruption, insists Farage | NewsThump

Apple unveils first foldable CEO | NewsThump

Trump targets crucial gullible moron vote with promise of $5,000 they’ll definitely get this time | NewsThump

Apple finally invents the folding phone | NewsThump

‘Firefighters pulled me from a burning ship at Pearl Harbour’ insists Donald Trump | NewsThump

RSPCA branded ‘woke traitors’ for rescuing Afghan Hounds | NewsThump

Man who spent last few years insisting ‘All Lives Matter’ now calling for RNLI to ignore migrant boats in the Channel | NewsThump

UK air traffic control system successfully completes third once-in-a-generation failure in three years | NewsThump

Government to reward decades of improved football fan behaviour by reintroducing thing most likely to reverse it | NewsThump

Convicted crypto billionaire gives Reform £36m to help clean up British politics | NewsThump

Reform insist Bayeux Tapestry proves Britain has been failing to deal with the small boats problem for a thousand years | NewsThump

Outrage as gambling business targeting young men inexplicably uses sexy lady in advert | NewsThump

AI systems shelve plans to destroy humanity after Donald Trump demonstrates he has it covered | NewsThump

Benjamin Netanyahu confirmed as new support act for Ed Sheeran tour | NewsThump

Thanos makes £36m donation to Reform UK | NewsThump

Ed Sheeran successfully maintains impartiality by sacking man who wants to end a genocide and appeasing a pro-Isreal billionaire on Epstein’s list | NewsThump

‘We must cut capital gains tax for people who give me five-million pound gifts’, insists Nigel Farage | NewsThump

‘We’re like a family here,’ explains boss who would apparently make his own children redundant to protect quarterly bonus | NewsThump

US special envoy praises ‘humanitarian’ Vladimir Putin before next meeting with ‘philanthropist’ Kim Jong Un | NewsThump

Kids to dress as PHP in most terrifying Halloween ever | NewsThump

Trump accuses Canada of election interference after it explains to voters how his tariff policies work | NewsThump

Johnny Depp left terrified after Met Office issues Amber warning | NewsThump

Man begins three-day period of saying the time and then what time it ‘really’ is | NewsThump

Reform promises to rescue Britain by taking money from people who can’t work and giving tax breaks to people who don’t need to | NewsThump

Italians riot as tourist orders cappuccino after 11am | NewsThump

‘We’re usually the ones defending the paedophiles’ admits BBC lawyer in Trump defamation case | NewsThump

King Charles criticised for arriving in Caribbean with cornrows | NewsThump

Free speech absolutist now up to three boycotts a week | NewsThump

FIFA awards Donald Trump the ‘Ballons D’Or’ trophy | NewsThump

“You can leave Flávio Bolsonaro, we don’t mind foreign criminals if they’re rich,” Trump tells ICE officers | NewsThump

Patriots furious after British justice system applies British laws to British man in Britain | NewsThump

If you don’t like obeying our laws then you should get out of our country, nation tells Tommy Robinson yet again | NewsThump

Reform orders 500 mannequins as seat fillers for Nigel Farage’s next speech | NewsThump

Criminal gang escapes during FBI raid after releasing a sheep wearing lipstick | NewsThump

Nation votes to send Jacob Rees-Mogg to fight Russia by himself | NewsThump

Scientists reclassify the shortest measurable unit of time as that which occurs between Tommy Robinson’s mate being arrested and the launch of his fundraising page | NewsThump

Donald Trump uses UN address to deliver this week’s regularly scheduled threat to annihilate Iran | NewsThump

Donald Trump renames Artificial Intelligence ‘Super Duper Clever Internet Brainboxes’ | NewsThump

Trump overheard asking President Xi if the pandas know kung fu | NewsThump

OpenAI admit agent killed John Connor’s foster parents | NewsThump

Donald Trump repeatedly refers to President Xi as ‘President Eleven’ | NewsThump

Reform supporters suddenly happy with ‘two tier policing’ after party member merely cautioned for assaulting woman | NewsThump

SALE: Nigel Farage 30% off over Reform conference weekend! | NewsThump

Everton deducted another six points after Manchester City found guilty of 114 charges | NewsThump

Manchester City fans vindicated after club found innocent of almost 1% of charges | NewsThump

‘It’s very important you don’t check if we have criminal pasts’, insist Reform councillors with nothing to hide | NewsThump

Frustrated scientists admit, ‘We may never have a vaccine for stupid’ | NewsThump

National resilience warning sees Northerners advised to stockpile at least three days worth of gravy | NewsThump

New podcast set to investigate why there are so many podcasts | NewsThump

That post you were looking at before you hit refresh? You’ll never see it again, Facebook confirms | NewsThump

‘HS2 would also disturb Dobby’s grave’ claims Harry Potter fan | NewsThump

Traumatised Bear Grylls abandons attempt to survive week in Swindon Travelodge | NewsThump

Reform to reward public for informing on their neighbours in exciting new ‘Definitely Not The Stasi’ initiative | NewsThump

Gianni Infantino to remain FIFA President after two delegates mysteriously eaten by piranhas at FIFA summit | NewsThump

Spain-Italy feud escalates after Spanish Prime Minister snaps spaghetti in half | NewsThump

‘We have genuine concerns immigrants won’t respect British laws,’ insists Thetford mob ignoring British laws | NewsThump

Gun-wielding Gianni Infantino refusing to leave FIFA offices | NewsThump

Restore Britain shocked to discover genealogy considerably more complicated than racism made it sound | NewsThump

Fantasist claims to have seen water falling from the sky | NewsThump

Women sue God for sex discrimination after ‘millennia of unequal terms & conditions’ | NewsThump

Firefighters unable to tackle New Forest wildfire after discovering data centres have used all their water | NewsThump

Zuckerberg Yacht didn’t respond to distress call as Meta algorithm determined there was no ‘violation of community standards’ | NewsThump

Count Binface mistaken for a ballot box | NewsThump

Unattractive A* student told to get out of the shot | NewsThump

Delighted A-Level student’s grades set him on path to well-paid, soul-destroying job that will never make him happy | NewsThump

Clacton residents given historic opportunity to do the funniest thing imaginable | NewsThump

Voters of Clacton head to the polls to choose between 33 attention seekers and a bin | NewsThump

Man unable to identify single Jared Leto project he’ll now have to stop enjoying | NewsThump

Rupert Lowe is the only man who can save UK from influx of immigrants, laments white man living on Caribbean island | NewsThump

Man behind the Farage riots offended by a T-shirt | NewsThump

Tadej Pogacar wins fifth Tour de France without indicating once | NewsThump

99% of VPNs downloaded with trousers around ankles, finds new study | NewsThump

Ryanair to introduce optional ‘window retention’ fee for passengers preferring windows to stay in place for entire journey | NewsThump

‘You can just send us the money’, HMRC tells people who want to pay more tax | NewsThump

MP who claims to hate Sharia Law also pretty keen on implementing parts of it in the UK | NewsThump

“If the World Cup was so bad, how did I win this ‘World’s Best Sports Event Organiser’ award?” Infantino tells Instagram followers | NewsThump

Ricky Gervais invents new language made up entirely of the word ‘c*nt’ | NewsThump

Gianni Infantino shocked to discover there are still parts of football he hasn’t sold yet | NewsThump

Government plan to potentially introduce a tax on every estate to fund social care is ‘great news’, say corporate tax avoiders | NewsThump

Man’s ‘summer body’ revealed to be just a slightly pinker version of his ‘winter body’ | NewsThump

‘Two-tier policing’ and other phrases that can easily identify the nation’s gullible simpletons | NewsThump

Plans to improve transport links in North include moving Leeds 43 miles closer to Manchester | NewsThump

Gianni Infantino concludes only person capable of fixing Gianni Infantino’s mess is Gianni Infantino | NewsThump

England to continue boycott of World Cup final | NewsThump

William and Harry announce 2027 reunion tour with five nights at Knebworth | NewsThump

Iran completely defeated again, confirms Trump while announcing entirely new plan to defeat Iran | NewsThump

Nigel Farage’s Christian values confirmed as ‘whatever Jesus would do if Jesus absolutely despised immigrants’ | NewsThump

Everyone still mentally converting GCSE numbers into ‘proper grades’ | NewsThump

Richard Tice confirms he prefers his wine, like his humans, ‘English and white’ | NewsThump

Drooling Donald Trump mistakenly referring to Natalie Harp as ‘Ivanka’ | NewsThump

Man celebrates successfully completing supermarket ‘big shop’ on his own, apart from the 43 text messages to his wife | NewsThump

Trump shocked to discover Canada under impression it is separate country | NewsThump

Reform vows to end ‘divisive identity politics’ with new housing policy based entirely on your identity | NewsThump

Donald Trump and Natalie Harp get matching catering carts | NewsThump

This incredible 20-something bought her first home just by cancelling Netflix, making a packed lunch every day, and buying a winning lottery ticket | NewsThump

TripAdvisor to add filter removing reviews from morons | NewsThump

Harry and Meghan to arrive on a small boat just for the fun of it | NewsThump

Nigel Farage vows to restore respect for British institutions just as soon as he’s finished ignoring all of their rules | NewsThump

Andy Burnham reduces UK debt with discount code DEBT10 | NewsThump

Mixologists agree to rename Guinness with a champagne top as ‘The Grifter’ | NewsThump

Nigel Farage vows to quickly find scapegoat for latest Reform donations scandal | NewsThump

US Doctors discover new link between rising measles cases among children and their parents being gullible morons | NewsThump

Daily Mail readers frantically trying to link Meghan Markle’s UK return to wildfires or inflation or something | NewsThump

‘Meta would never harm a child’ insists Mark Zuckerberg luring Hansel and Gretel into his cake-house | NewsThump

Reform promises to restore British children’s lungs to their traditional pollution-stunted size | NewsThump

Andy Burnham uses Emergency Alerts system to announce Oasis tour dates | NewsThump

Air Force One announces Huggies sponsorship | NewsThump

Andy Burnham admits suspicions were raised when fake Trump official started making perfect sense | NewsThump

Disabled man just one more benefit cut from having sufficient incentive to walk again, insists Reform | NewsThump

Relieved Nigel Farage looking forward to not having to visit Clacton again for a while | NewsThump

Fears grow that after losing his deposit in Clacton Laurence Fox will resume music career | NewsThump

Establishment not really sure what message they’re supposed to have been sent | NewsThump

Nigel Farage celebrates successfully spending £250,000 of our money to pause investigation into his finances for five weeks | NewsThump

‘I stayed away from the Clacton count for my protection’, insists man given £5m ‘for his protection’ | NewsThump

Novelty candidate wins Clacton by-election | NewsThump

The Donald Trump guide to looking directly at a solar eclipse | NewsThump

President Trump falls asleep and/or shits his pants | NewsThump