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Google Maps Introduces Crawling Directions For Cyclists Hit By Truck
“Finally, Google Maps closes the gap between 'your route has been recalculated' and 'your organs have been redistributed.'”
Nigel Farage vows to quickly find scapegoat for latest Reform donations scandal
Nigel Farage, consummate political Teflon-man, is on the hunt for a convenient underling to take the fall for yet another dodgy donations fiasco. The joke lands cleanly on the well-worn satirical target of politicians who treat…
Mixologists agree to rename Guinness with a champagne top as ‘The Grifter’
Mixologists across the UK have rebranded the classic 'Black Velvet' cocktail as 'The Grifter' in honour of Nigel Farage, pairing it with oysters in a 'Reform Special' that's flying off the bar. The piece lands its best punch at the end…
Hollywood Colorist Fired After Accidentally Leaving Color In Film
Hollywood's war on visible colors gets delightfully skewered as a studio fires its colorist for the crime of letting audiences see blue sky and red jackets, capping it with a perfect line about films looking 'dragged through wet cement.'…
Oh No! Peter Forgives Neighbor 73 Times, But Then Lost Count And Now He’s Got To Start Over
Peter, committed to Jesus's forgiving math, hits 73 out of 490 before the wind (and Steve's stolen lawnmower) reset his entire tally to zero. The real miracle here is that Steve's audacity in mowing over the forgiveness scroll with the…
Bari Weiss Facing Credible Allegations Of Doing Journalism
CBS News is in full meltdown after their new editor-in-chief committed the unforgivable act of asking reporters to verify facts and cite sources, sparking walkouts and HR complaints about the 'toxic' expectation of doing actual journalism…
State Of Massachusetts Declared Incompetent By Reason Of Insanity
The Supreme Court has officially declared Massachusetts a giant open-air asylum, complete with a very large fence to keep the locals from spreading their madness. The kicker — California got the same ruling, but purely on merit.
Mayor Mamdani Up All Night Practicing Sad Face For Upcoming 9/11 Observance
New York's newest mayor is reportedly drilling his sad-face repertoire in the bathroom mirror, complete with tearless eye-dabs and a 'reflecting on what has been' look he's workshopping like a community theater audition. The kicker — that…
I Lovebombed My Way Into This Relationship, and So Help Me God I’ll Breadcrumb My Way Out
A gleefully unhinged narrator walks us through their masterclass in romantic manipulation — lovebombing in, breadcrumbing out, and crowning the whole operation with the audacity to call it sociopathy rather than cowardice as a point of…
Chicago Teacher Asks Students To Please Raise Their Hands Instead Of Firing Pistols Into The Air
A Chicago fifth-grade teacher heroically attempts to redirect her students from discharging firearms to simply raising their hands, eventually resorting to a Mexican standoff to establish basic classroom order. The principal's solution…
