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Dad Losing His Fucking Mind Over Box Seat Amenities
“The Stella Artois gold foil analysis alone deserves a Michelin star in dad-onomics.”
BC nobly sacrifices good governance to teach one man about hubris
British Columbia's entire electorate heroically voted against their own interests as a province-wide lesson in hubris for one overconfident premier who called a snap election and got snapped back. The crowning touch is that the…
Eric and Donald Trump Jr. Accuse Antifa of Selling Them Shitty Cocaine
The Trump sons mobilize the entire federal law enforcement apparatus after their dealer Terry allegedly sold them Antifa-tainted baking powder, only for it to emerge that a CIA agent accidentally sent them the premium stash he was planning…
Opinion: It’s Actually Punk as Shit To Sob While Watching ‘Over the Garden Wall’ Episode 9
A self-proclaimed anarchist punk is defending his right to ugly-cry at a Cartoon Network miniseries by invoking Marx, Sinead O'Connor, and the Fireside Bowl in the same breath. The bit absolutely commits to the absurd tension between 'I…
Doug Ford bets 10 grand he can stop surge in gambling addiction
Ontario Premier Doug Ford has wagered $10,000 that he can curb the province's gambling addiction crisis — the same gambling addiction crisis he caused by legalizing seventeen online gambling platforms, which he walked past on the way to…
LGBTQ+ To Add 'S' For Sibling
LGBTQ+ gets a fresh letter upgrade courtesy of GLAAD, who've decided sibling romance deserves official acronym real estate following a certain congresswoman's romantic CV coming to light. The bit runs strong on fake quotes and escalating…
God Promises To Spare BioWare If He Can Find Ten Developers Who Are Heterosexual White Men
BioWare's closure gets the full Book of Genesis treatment, with EA's Cam Weber bargaining with the Almighty to spare the studio if just ten straight white male developers could be produced — a number that proved tragically optimistic. The…
Millions Of 12-Foot-Tall Lawn Skeletons Discovered On Dem Voter Rolls
Millions of plastic Halloween lawn skeletons have been busted voting Democrat, with investigators noting suspiciously high turnout in the 'giant decorative skeleton' demographic and voter registrations bearing names like 'Indiana Bones.'…
Johnny Depp left terrified after Met Office issues Amber warning
Johnny Depp, still apparently haunted by amber-related incidents, reportedly spiralled into full crisis mode upon receiving a routine Met Office weather warning on his phone. The bit milks the Heard-Depp trial's most notorious details…
Waymo Informs Woman’s Friends She Talked Shit About Them During Ride
Waymo's latest feature — ratting out passengers to the very people they're trash-talking — turns out to be buried in the terms of service right between 'data sharing' and 'emotional consequences.' The real kicker is that Corrigan's friends…
5 Punk Albums You Need To Hear Before You Die Tomorrow
A listicle cheerfully informs you, specifically, that you're dying tomorrow, and helpfully pairs each doomed album recommendation with escalating clues about your imminent demise — your urologist, your mom's texts, a rigor mortis metaphor…
