The Beaverton

Trump notes that falling asleep onstage at 9/11 ceremony technically counts as moment of silence | The Beaverton

Trump reduces White House Press Corps to Stephen Miller in a moustache, various podcasters | The Beaverton

Carney government promises upcoming “Operation Strike Destroyer” legislation won’t discourage future strikes | The Beaverton

Trump says Canada having more friends is bullying | The Beaverton

Ed Sheeran welcomes new opening act: Beatboxing Netanyahu | The Beaverton

EU asks Canada to join in hopes they take some stuff Britain left at their office | The Beaverton

Canada Investment Summit attendees enter raffle to win PEI | The Beaverton

Habs fans forced to replace burning effigy of Chris Kreider with regular effigy | The Beaverton

Tech oligarchs agree calling AI “too dangerous” way cooler than just admitting it doesn’t work | The Beaverton

Desperate Poilievre announces “Fuck A Fan” contest | The Beaverton

Desperate Poilievre announces “Fuck A Fan” contest | The Beaverton

Trump vows to punish Canada for EU alliance as soon as he finishes losing Iran war | The Beaverton

Trump reminisces about how he single-handedly prevented 9/11 from ever happening | The Beaverton

Local woman betrays family history by eating at different chain restaurant | The Beaverton

Counter-Tariffs take effect as Canadians brace for life without American truck nutz | The Beaverton

Canada confirms defence strategy against invasion mainly waiting for Americans to die from preventable illnesses | The Beaverton

Hilroy to remove additional province from map of Canada every year until demands met | The Beaverton

Canada’s nerds demand state funeral for Montreal-born voice of Optimus Prime | The Beaverton

Google Maps changes name to Lake America after people start to forget tech giants also pretty awful | The Beaverton

Man with 500 day Duolingo streak surprised real Spanish conversations not multiple choice | The Beaverton

Hegseth pauses busy schedule of inspecting soldiers’ scrotums to make weird comments about Canadian teens’ bodies | The Beaverton

Overconfident Carney vows to win 3 more U.S. midterm races after Liberal by-election sweep | The Beaverton

Brad Bradford reinvigorates campaign with desperate “Landlords need more” slogan | The Beaverton

Report: Elon Musk sabotaged Ukrainian Starlink by switching them to Rogers | The Beaverton

Alberta separatists propose making referendum vote best-of-seven series | The Beaverton

Brad Bradford vows to put a cop in your living room if elected Mayor | The Beaverton

7 most shocking revelations from Chrystia Freeland’s Unreliable Boyfriend | The Beaverton

New study shows link between cars and traffic | The Beaverton

Trump, Musk clash over who deserves more credit for betraying Ukraine | The Beaverton

AI coworker put on 90-day Performance Improvement Plan | The Beaverton

Alberta Separatists confident of victory due to “Canadians’ overwhelming love for USA and Trump” | The Beaverton

Nation shocked as Alberta makes good decision | The Beaverton

U.S. government accuses Canada of meddling in Alberta referendum | The Beaverton

Landlord reminds tenant that Broken A/C builds resilience | The Beaverton

Alberta Separatists unveil development slogan: “Come invest in our unstable breakaway republic!” | The Beaverton

Marvel fan can’t believe you’re watching Avengers: Doomsday before catching up on Loki, Plantman and Thornboy, or Hawkeye’s Son | The Beaverton

David Eby losing election to TBD | The Beaverton

“This is what Canadians elected us to do,” says Liberal Minister about policy never mentioned once during campaign | The Beaverton

Quiz: how should you vote on the Alberta Separation Referendum (sponsored by the Alberta Government) | The Beaverton

Blue Jays, Maple Leafs eliminated from playoffs | The Beaverton

Meta unsure why women not buying pervert glasses | The Beaverton

Kerry-Lynne Findlay resigns to spend more time expelling family members | The Beaverton

Kerry-Lynne Findlay resigns to spend more time expelling family members | The Beaverton

Shopify announces customers can use promo code PLUTOCRACY for 10% off all orders | The Beaverton

Entry-level job applicant invited to sixth round of interviews and first round of bare-knuckle cage fights | The Beaverton

Ghislaine Maxwell suicide scheduled for next Thursday | The Beaverton

Trump unable to take on BBC | The Beaverton

Poilievre confident his polling numbers will improve once voters get to know him | The Beaverton

Carney vows to fast-track West Coast Pipeline before entire West Coast burns to the ground | The Beaverton

Canadians relieved they won’t be forced to fly Air Canada | The Beaverton

“Buying Things and Owning Them” now no.1 search result on Pornhub in Canada | The Beaverton

Canadians overwhelmingly demand wealth tax after Kevin O’Leary says it will make him move away | The Beaverton

Breaking: Man who keeps shitting himself in public tough to pin down on international trade deal | The Beaverton

Jared Leto struggling to think of ways he could have made creepiness more evident | The Beaverton

Carney imposes 50% tariffs on U.S. for fake Canadian girlfriends | The Beaverton

Edmonton plans separation referendum to separate from Alberta separation referendum | The Beaverton

Boomers blame social media for setting unrealistic lawn standards | The Beaverton

Olive-hating man worried about upcoming trip to Greece | The Beaverton

British Columbia to address cost of housing by legalizing polygamy | The Beaverton

Tech CEOs warn Chinese AI could destroy the world faster than American AI can | The Beaverton

Cancelling of Billy Bishop expansion leaves Ford wondering if this is a bad time to tell Ontario he bought another private jet | The Beaverton

Meteorologists confirm drizzle will not address bird shit situation | The Beaverton

Trump threat to tariff Canada over wildfire smoke closest he will ever come to understanding climate change | The Beaverton

Neighbourhood kid who just learned to ride bike now logging 14-hour shift delivering Uber Eats | The Beaverton

Beaverton Breakdown: Every Canadian premier’s demands in return for agreeing to restock American alcohol | The Beaverton

Conservatives vow to get rid of Poilievre as soon as voters send some kind of sign they don’t like him | The Beaverton

Come from Away sequel will see Newfoundlanders put the friggin’ boots to Pete Hoekstra | The Beaverton

BREAKING: Doug Ford challenges Donald Trump to a corruption fight in the school parking lot | The Beaverton

Trump threatens to inflict as much economic damage on Iran as he has to America | The Beaverton

UCP says Alberta needs nothing from rest of Canada except their help leaving Canada | The Beaverton

Rogers Centre posts detailed instructions on how to get to Rogers Stadium at every entrance | The Beaverton

Art Of The Deal author fails to secure deal with friendliest nation on planet | The Beaverton

Report: Trump admin demanded Canada execute Bonhomme | The Beaverton

Tariff talks that you assumed already collapsed collapse | The Beaverton

Canadians chip in to buy Jamil Jivani a one-way ticket to United States | The Beaverton

Republicans insist Mitch McConnell resting comfortably following routine taxidermy procedure | The Beaverton

Carney promises clean energy investment will almost make up for 1-2 days of new pipeline emissions | The Beaverton

Trump throws himself military parade after bravely chickening out on Canadian tariffs | The Beaverton

“My mind operates on a different level” theorizes friend who is just bad at communicating | The Beaverton

Researchers warn that Alberta separatists could be influenced by foreign agents, shiny objects | The Beaverton

Amish iPad kid? This child is reading a book | The Beaverton

Doug Ford celebrates bike lane court victory with public execution of local cycling group | The Beaverton

Trump protects children from Epstein-class by ensuring none live long enough to be exploited | The Beaverton

Zuckerberg did not hear boat’s distress call because he had conversation muted | The Beaverton

Conservatives explain how they would get a trade deal done with Trump | The Beaverton