Hegseth pauses busy schedule of inspecting soldiers’ scrotums to make weird comments about Canadian teens’ bodies | The Beaverton

Pete Hegseth, America's hardest-working Secretary of War, juggles personally inspecting every soldier's testicles for patriotic virility while somehow still finding time to make creepy online comments about underage Canadian cadets. The piece piles on a gleeful laundry list of additional Hegseth duties — vodka smuggling, war-losing, blacking out — culminating in the chef's-kiss kicker that his own mother called him an abuser lacking in character, which he cites as a professional credential.