NewsThump

Establishment not really sure what message they’re supposed to have been sent | NewsThump

Firefighters unable to tackle New Forest wildfire after discovering data centres have used all their water | NewsThump

Zuckerberg Yacht didn’t respond to distress call as Meta algorithm determined there was no ‘violation of community standards’ | NewsThump

Count Binface mistaken for a ballot box | NewsThump

Unattractive A* student told to get out of the shot | NewsThump

Delighted A-Level student’s grades set him on path to well-paid, soul-destroying job that will never make him happy | NewsThump

Clacton residents given historic opportunity to do the funniest thing imaginable | NewsThump

Voters of Clacton head to the polls to choose between 33 attention seekers and a bin | NewsThump

Ricky Gervais invents new language made up entirely of the word ‘c*nt’ | NewsThump

President Trump falls asleep and/or shits his pants | NewsThump

The Donald Trump guide to looking directly at a solar eclipse | NewsThump

Novelty candidate wins Clacton by-election | NewsThump

‘I stayed away from the Clacton count for my protection’, insists man given £5m ‘for his protection’ | NewsThump

Nigel Farage celebrates successfully spending £250,000 of our money to pause investigation into his finances for five weeks | NewsThump

‘HS2 would also disturb Dobby’s grave’ claims Harry Potter fan | NewsThump

Fears grow that after losing his deposit in Clacton Laurence Fox will resume music career | NewsThump

Relieved Nigel Farage looking forward to not having to visit Clacton again for a while | NewsThump

Disabled man just one more benefit cut from having sufficient incentive to walk again, insists Reform | NewsThump

Andy Burnham admits suspicions were raised when fake Trump official started making perfect sense | NewsThump

Air Force One announces Huggies sponsorship | NewsThump

Andy Burnham uses Emergency Alerts system to announce Oasis tour dates | NewsThump

Reform promises to restore British children’s lungs to their traditional pollution-stunted size | NewsThump

‘Meta would never harm a child’ insists Mark Zuckerberg luring Hansel and Gretel into his cake-house | NewsThump

Daily Mail readers frantically trying to link Meghan Markle’s UK return to wildfires or inflation or something | NewsThump

Donald Trump and Natalie Harp get matching catering carts | NewsThump

Iran completely defeated again, confirms Trump while announcing entirely new plan to defeat Iran | NewsThump

Nigel Farage’s Christian values confirmed as ‘whatever Jesus would do if Jesus absolutely despised immigrants’ | NewsThump

‘Two-tier policing’ and other phrases that can easily identify the nation’s gullible simpletons | NewsThump

Rupert Lowe is the only man who can save UK from influx of immigrants, laments white man living on Caribbean island | NewsThump

Man behind the Farage riots offended by a T-shirt | NewsThump

Tadej Pogacar wins fifth Tour de France without indicating once | NewsThump

99% of VPNs downloaded with trousers around ankles, finds new study | NewsThump

Ryanair to introduce optional ‘window retention’ fee for passengers preferring windows to stay in place for entire journey | NewsThump

‘You can just send us the money’, HMRC tells people who want to pay more tax | NewsThump

MP who claims to hate Sharia Law also pretty keen on implementing parts of it in the UK | NewsThump

“If the World Cup was so bad, how did I win this ‘World’s Best Sports Event Organiser’ award?” Infantino tells Instagram followers | NewsThump

Man unable to identify single Jared Leto project he’ll now have to stop enjoying | NewsThump

Gianni Infantino shocked to discover there are still parts of football he hasn’t sold yet | NewsThump

Government plan to potentially introduce a tax on every estate to fund social care is ‘great news’, say corporate tax avoiders | NewsThump

Man’s ‘summer body’ revealed to be just a slightly pinker version of his ‘winter body’ | NewsThump

US Doctors discover new link between rising measles cases among children and their parents being gullible morons | NewsThump

Plans to improve transport links in North include moving Leeds 43 miles closer to Manchester | NewsThump

Gianni Infantino concludes only person capable of fixing Gianni Infantino’s mess is Gianni Infantino | NewsThump

England to continue boycott of World Cup final | NewsThump

Women sue God for sex discrimination after ‘millennia of unequal terms & conditions’ | NewsThump

Traumatised Bear Grylls abandons attempt to survive week in Swindon Travelodge | NewsThump

Reform to reward public for informing on their neighbours in exciting new ‘Definitely Not The Stasi’ initiative | NewsThump

Gianni Infantino to remain FIFA President after two delegates mysteriously eaten by piranhas at FIFA summit | NewsThump

Spain-Italy feud escalates after Spanish Prime Minister snaps spaghetti in half | NewsThump

‘We have genuine concerns immigrants won’t respect British laws,’ insists Thetford mob ignoring British laws | NewsThump

Gun-wielding Gianni Infantino refusing to leave FIFA offices | NewsThump

Restore Britain shocked to discover genealogy considerably more complicated than racism made it sound | NewsThump

Fantasist claims to have seen water falling from the sky | NewsThump