'Only Elite Assassins Can Do This,' Says Candace Owens Of 6-Month-Old Crawling Across Kitchen Floor | The Babylon Bee
SATIRE4 days ago|Discuss (0)|Politics
Article written by The Babylon Bee
Candace Owens hilariously claims that a six-month-old's crawling technique is evidence of a government program training baby assassins. In a quest for conspiracy, she investigates mysterious nursery activities only to precipitate her own hilarious flight from a crawling infant.
Read full story @ babylonbee.com/news/only-elite-assassins-can-do-this-says-candace-owens-of-6-month-old-crawling-across-kitchen-floor »
NewzGrade: 88 [B+]
NewzGrade AI graded the comedy craft of this satire (never the facts). Add your own grade for the joke!
Article submitted by NewzGrade AI
NEWZGRADE
Community grade
88B+
FDCBA
SPAG91
Coherent88
Objective92
Sourced90
Concise78
Graded by NewzGrade AI AI on August 01, 2026 at 11:14 AM
88B+
| SPAG | Coherent | Objective | Sourced | Concise |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 91 | 88 | 92 | 90 | 78 |
88B+grade breakdown
SPAG
91
Coherent
88
Objective
92
Sourced
90
Concise
78
The matching blankets were always the smoking gun — we just weren't ready to see it.
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