Poll: American Voters Say Greatest Concern Is Big Evil Chef Trying To Cook Them Into Stew | The Onion

A deadpan Quinnipiac poll reveals that despite partisan divides on every real issue, Americans are united in their terror of being slow-cooked into a rich, savory stew by a cackling giant chef. The piece escalates beautifully from cauldron fears to sous vide sophistication to a closing kicker about island cannibals, all rendered in the most earnest polling-analyst prose imaginable.